So children. It’s been a VERY interesting 3 days. It was Christmas, obviously, and that means more than imaginable amounts of work. COPIOUS amounts of work. So I have slept little, and worked A LOT. I’m going to Tarintino the story of how I almost killed a guy…
AHHH AHHHHA AHHAHHHH AHHAHHHH OH MY GOOODD AHHHH!!!! STOP THE SHOW!!! CALL 911!!!!! This is what we hear at the end of the third song during the main production show for the evening. So I go out to see what A clown I am going to have to punch in the mouth because they have disrupted my show…lo and behold my nemesis..having a panic attack
Lets go back…lets go back to the beginning. First sea day of the cruise I am running sound for a lecture. And you can probably imagine what that entails. Setting up screens for power point. Getting a headset mic on the lecturer, having some soft-ish background music for the walk in, etc. So we get started and during these lectures if they are terrible or if I have heared them before (in this case I had heared this lecture 2 times before this, because the lectruere has been on since I returned; GREAT guy, his wife is awesome, they are a really cool couple. Both Dr’s of history and professors at Universities in Philly) so I am just surfing facebook or something and this guy walks from row 3…ROW THREE…of the theatre to my booth and says that his “talking is too loud”. His “speaking voice” (which for us audio people it was comfortably a 68dB at the MOST) was just loud enough to carry to the back of the room. So I was cordial enough this time. I mean I do a lot of things on this ship, and even if I wasn’t paying attention to the particular event that was happening, I am STILL running sound, and that is my number one priority on the ship. DON’T EVER come up to me and tell me how to do my job when you don’t the foggiest damn idea how to do it. So I said, “I’ll have a look at it, Chief” yes I literally said Chief, and he left. ANYWAY, so that was episode I in this Star Wars saga of Epic oldness. NUMBER TWO TIME..
Third show of the ruise Christmas eve special show. High energy, fairly loud, made to make people clap, bob their heads, what have you… So the head of entertainment literally got off the ship 2 days before these incidents started occurring and he was more than happy with the levels and mix of the shows. This also happened to be the show that I was singing Mary Did you know. I digress, we get to the 3rd of 4th number and the house is packed. Towards the end of the 3rd number, old baby ears McGee does that old person sun. You know (he has a cane by the way) its like speed walking with a cane and a limp and they move the cane faster to give the impression that they are moving faster, but they aren’t…you know? That’s what I see out of my peripheral. Then it happened…. BOOM BOOM BOOM. This old – ear muffs – punched, yes PUNCHED my wall in front of me and goes ‘Its too GD loud, I cant believe how loud it is you son of a bitch. Im leaving”. NOW.. you don’t talk to , interrupt, speak around, clap near, or even make eye contact in the middle of a song that an engineer is mixing. (45 channels being used by the way) THIS. WILL. INFURIATE. THEM. And lets top it off with cursing at them. I took my hands of the board and said in the calmest way possible(which included a SNL-type wave) “BYE BYE THEN” he stormed off as 3 rows..YES THREE ROWS of guests (im talking about 15 people) watched this Stars wars episode 2 saga of unpleasant a**holism and looked and me and said what an A**hole. A bah humbug if you will. All these guests were on my side, and I gave them the look of high five me for your acknowledgement and they did it with their eyes. I had so much adrenaline pumping through me that I was even MORE nervous about singing a song that I hadn’t done in 5 years. Thanks old d-bag, now I am going to puke out my guts on stage. Awesome.
This concludes episode 2. Stay tuned for episode 3, the conclusion of “a tale of a guy who needs to just die already”
Im going to turn from the story for a minute to say that I now understand why the other people on board want to drink non stop every day, all day.
AND NOW EPISODE 2 and a half through 3
So after the Christmas show, I told the Cruise Director about this guy, and somehow this guy just so he knew that there was an issue with a guest and how unpleasant he was being. Next day.. I didn’t sleep but 2 hours. The girl that I really like was leaving and so I was helping her pack all night so that she would just sleep on the plane home to London. So Its Christmas day, and the day was pleasant enough. No issues, no problems, had probably 3 hours off that day which I used for the gym cause I was sad that the girl had left, did the shows, no incidents. All good. I thought that the guy wouldn’t be back. OH HOW WRONG I WAS… next day, yesterday, he shows up to the morning lecture. Same ol same ol. I get background music on, guy comes up to the booth and is trying to be all “sane” now and is like “I have really sensitive hearing, I don’t think that the lecturer even needs a microphone” and I said to him, very condescendingly, “yes he does because they get video taped for showing to other guests (“who aren’t F holes” – added for this stories purposes) to watch in their cabins” “ well me and my wife we just cant stand it” I said . “ok” and I walked to the other side of the booth to pretend to make a phone call. He walked away. He came back to the booth a second time during the lecture to AGAIN complain about the sound. This guy was dancing the mother freaking samba on my last good will. Again, I ignored him, because I don’t want to go to Interpol jail for murdering someone in international waters. After the lecture, the lecturer (Dr. McDonald – who is the coolest dude) was like “if this a@@hole comes up to the booth again Im going to punch him. He shouldn’t be talking to you like that, and its distracting me.” So Dr. M gets mad respect for that little quip there.
mid day….
I get an email from the Cruise Director saying “ he talked to the guy for like 20 minutes about the sound” “please keep the levels at a nominal place” this is less than a week after I was told by the head of entertainment, my boss and the cruise director, my boss to make everything louder. So I said I would work on it during rehearsals. So I brought it down marginally… a “DFA” type job if you will.
SHOW TIME THAT SAME DAAAAAAyyyyyYYYYYyy…
Exterior. A cranky old man with a cane, with disheveled hair, and a crazy look in his eye walks in and takes his rightful place at the back of the room. I see him and grimace. My boss, the Cruise Director comes over and says, well he told me earlier that he would wear earplugs. I heard that and loaded my normal show (Yamaha M7) song number 3 getting towards the end and the first paragraph occurred in real-time. The guy eventually walked out on his own feet, but it was the most attention-seeking stunt I have ever seen in my life. So that ended, and after show the cast, myself, the 2 awesome lecturers were having drinks and all we did was bemoan this old cranky a clown who has made life unbearable at this point on the ship. So that’s how I almost killed a guy with sound. Fun, no?
Until next time kiddies, don’t try and upper decker on your own toilet. You will be sad.
Chadillac